1. a dream
Before I forget, I need to write down this dream…
Damn it! I didn’t write it down so I don’t remember!
2. sleep, storm, shelter.
I love bedtime with rain and a storm. It’s like a train… it makes me feel relaxed and cozy.
One night a couple of weeks ago I was half asleep because the sky was making loud noises and I was listening and thinking about how you probably heard the same thunder.
It wasn’t raining yet… the sky was preparing for it. It was probably around 2am when I began to hear a bird’s cry. It was unusual because birds aren’t usually chirping late at night. It was very close by so it kept me awake. The pattern of the bird’s chirp stayed the same. Maybe it lost it’s mother? Maybe it was scared of the lightning and thunder? I don’t know… but I wanted to tell the bird it was going to be okay… I guess it was easier for me to think that because I was inside my apartment in my cozy bed and the bird was outside probably trying to keep safe.
Anyway, the bird kept chirping. And then suddenly the rain came pouring. I didn’t hear the bird’s chirp anymore because the rain was pouring and thunder was at full blast. I slept peacefully until a couple of hours later when rain slows down. I became only half asleep again… and once again I heard the bird’s cry. I couldn’t tell if the bird cried through the whole storm or if it started again after the storm passed. I looked at my phone and it was around 5am.
I have no idea what the bird’s deal was, but I hope it was okay. Maybe it was it’s first big storm and had to spend it alone. But if the bird knew that I was there too then it probably wouldn’t have felt so alone… or maybe that’s just me. Who am I kidding? It was a bird and doesn’t have the same thoughts as a human being silly! So maybe the bird was just thinking… “Chirp chirp chirp! What the fuck is going on? This storm is crazy! Oh em gee! The sky is falling! Fucking chirp chirp bitches!!”
3. shooting star
I’ve lived for almost 30 years and I’ve never seen a “shooting star”, until recently. (Or maybe I just don’t remember ever seeing one.) My first time was a couple of weeks ago and it made me emotional. And yes, I made a wish.
That is all. I just wanted to tell you I saw a shooting star. The end.
4. living by myself
The other day my sister asked me if I ever get lonely because I live by myself. There seemed to be a little concern in her question, almost like a “you should be lonely” suggestion. I didn’t really hesitate saying, “no”, but it made me think about it a little. Honestly, I wouldn’t have it any other way right now. I’m at the point in my life where I definitely don’t want a roommate. In addition to working from home most of the time, I spend a lot of time at home anyway.
My next move will be a big one I think. It will either be me buying a house on my own or moving in with a significant other. I don’t expect or see any of those two things happening anytime soon, but then again I never know what’s going to happen. I certainly don’t feel a need to rush anything. I’m fine where I am now. I have to be. I’m just doing what I can in this journey of mine and I’m just moving along. Maybe one day I won’t live by myself anymore… because I’ll probably get a kitty. Or maybe a turtle. But you can’t cuddle turtles and I want to cuddle. The point is… I love living by myself right now. I know it’s not going to be forever. God I hope not. The only constant thing in life is change… and I’m sure as hell okay with that.
5. colour lovers
Everyone once in awhile I’ll come across something so awesome that I wish I thought of it. ColourLovers.com is one of those things. The site was created “all in the spirit of love”. How beautiful is that? This site is so brilliant and wonderful and you should just go and take a look for yourself.
I also just learned that Audrey Capital invested in the idea. Audrey Capital was founded by Matt Mullenweg, who is the founder of WordPress. That man is awesome.
6. the personal side of ShiftWeb Solutions
** I apologize in advanced for the random ass rant below. I realize it probably won’t make much sense to most people unless they are really close to me and know that my heart was broken and I partly started my business to distract myself.
Sometimes, life situations slap you in the face – hard. I’ve been working like crazy trying to make something special out of my business, ShiftWeb Solutions. Sometimes I get discouraged and other times I feel great about what I’m doing. Either way, I keep going. Mainly because I realize that one day I want to support my family and live comfortably. One day, I want to be able to randomly say: “Hey, let’s go on a hot air balloon ride today.”
At certain times, you live in the present to live in the present. Other times, you live in the present to make sure your future will be great. I think I’m doing more of the latter right now. When you feel like you’ve lost so much in your life you’ll try to make up for it by filling it in with things. It’s different what you try to use as filler each time during your life because you grow and change. Right now it’s my career. It’s my drive to make a better living. Some people may not think like this and maybe I do partly because of the way I was raised. I grew up learning from my parents that hard work pays off, but it’s stressful while you have a family. My parents pushed me as a child to “finish school” and “get a good job”. It’s almost to the point where if I don’t “have a good job” I’ll feel a great insecurity in myself… because I’m almost 30, and I think society expects me to get married or something soon. It’s kind of interesting thinking about that because honestly, my desire to find that one special person has not changed since I was a teen. But when you’re young and in your early twenties and people find out you’re ready to find that special someone, they’ll say, “You’re young! Go have fun!” And then when you’re almost 30 and you want the same thing people change their tone of voice to one more sympathetic and understanding. Whatever society, I knew what I wanted before you did!
Oh, but then there is a conflict or contradiction to what I believe (there’s one in everything). See, if I were to meet someone in their early 20′s now, I don’t know if I could fall in love with them. Yes, that may seem a bit biased, but there is something about the lack of experience that’s not as attractive. I’m sure this is all in my head, but there could be a truth in some stereotypes. You know how they say your 30′s is the new 20′s? Well, that means your 20′s is the new teens… and we know how much confusion there is as a teen. Looking at the big picture, there’s always a lot of growing up to do, it doesn’t matter how young or old you are.
So the point is, I’m trying to grow ShiftWeb. It’s not easy I tell ya. I may not be doing everything right, but I’m learning. And god I swear, it’s a damn good distraction for me right now. Almost like it’s meant to be. What the hell would I be doing if I didn’t have something to concentrate on for myself? I’d probably be moping about how much my life sucks and how sad I am. I can’t let myself do that, or at least do it too much. If I keep dwelling in the pain then I’m not going anywhere. But at the same time, I have to go through the pain, I can’t go around it.
What makes someone successful? We could easily name off a bunch of wonderful things, but for me, it’s to move forward. “Well, what does that mean?” It means exactly what I just said. It’s quite simple really. I just want to keep going. I push myself to keep going because when I’m sad, I feel deeply confused and hurt. Pain is a part of life, I don’t deny it or try to bury it deep inside me. I release it, and then I think about moving on.
A good friend once told me that one of the best things about me is probably also the worst… and that thing was I had so much love to give. The good thing about that is someone will be very lucky one day… and the shortcoming is that it allows people to take advantage of me… by taking my love and ____.
Sometimes when I’m really sad I believe it. But other times I just think they love me more than I realize, or that they realize.
Years ago when my little sister Mony was still a baby, I would talk about her to my friends and then get emotional and sometimes started crying (not tears of sadness btw)… I just had that moment a minute ago, but by myself thinking about her.
I will get like that every once in awhile, but I seem to be able to control my emotions a little better now… maybe it’s because I don’t smoke as much pot like I used to. I don’t know.
I know this sounds cheesy, but there is something about children that makes me feel… how do I explain it?
I can’t imagine the intense feeling when I’m actually a mother. I guess I’m experiencing some of it now even though it’s just my sister I’m talking about, but I am 20 years older so there is difference in generations.
I have another sister who is only 2 years younger and she made an interesting point the other day. She said that Mony, who is now 7, will never love us the way we love her. It didn’t really click to me at first, but it’s true. It doesn’t mean that one love is better, but the love is not the same. A mother’s love does not compare to the love of a daughter to her mother. It’s different.
I will always be like a parent to Monyta, so she’s probably not going to understand why I do the things I do sometimes. Even though she’s my sister and she loves me, she probably wouldn’t think about trying to protect me while we walk into a ghetto Kroger. She probably wouldn’t wipe my ass after having explosive diarrhea either. That’s okay. I don’t need her to. I’m perfectly fine with her grabbing my hand to hold when we walk into the random Kroger that’s far from home in the middle of a busy city, which we had to quickly pull into because her tummy was upset. She just needs to go to the bathroom and that’s all she needs to think about. She doesn’t need to worry about how to take care of herself… because I’m honored that I can be the one to help take care of her.